Opium Premiums are better than Oil and Petroleum!

Written by hammersfan

Monday, 27 August 2007

image for Opium Premiums are better than Oil and Petroleum!
Money grows on poppies

Top investments expert Miles Digweed today recommended buying into the blossoming opium production industry in Afghanistan. "Growth over the past 12 months has been extraordinary," he stated, "and prospects look good for a repeat in 2008."

He continued, "This is a real growth area since the USA and Britain cleared out the Taliban with their ridiculous religious prejudices against the production of this highly profitable and easy to cultivate crop. Where once producers laboured under the constant threat from the Taliban, they are now afforded expert military protection by British and American forces."

The recently launched "Emerging Markets Fund" entitled "Bush Spin Offs" proposes investing a sizable proportion of its fund in the Afghan opium trade. "We were concerned about some links in the retail chain but since the arrival of American GIs in the country, there is a ready market for the product without the need to export. It's fantastic. Our boys protect the growers and then consume the product during R&R."

The controversial fund has already invested heavily in funeral parlours in Iraq and scrap metal merchants in Baghdad itself. Digweed stressed that there were plans for further exploitation of emerging market opportunities. "People are crying out for transplant organs in the States and body parts are now two a penny in Baghdad. This is now a medical gold rush city. We can buy hearts for cents and sell them for thousands of dollars in LA. Need blood? We've got gallons of the stuff. Hell, they're pumping more blood now in Iraq than they are oil."

Digweed is also excited about the opportunities in Iran. "The more they jangle George W's goolies, the more likely it is that the Tehran market will open up. I say, build more reactors Ahmed Dinner Jacket! Go for it you son of a bitch!"

Backed by top corporate investors in the States, the fund is confidently expected to outperform the sector over the next twelve months. "There's only one cloud on the horizon," warned Digweed, "and that's what will happen when George W goes. God forbid we are lumbered with a president who puts morality ahead of profit."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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