Amy Winehouse tops "Most Appropriate Name" poll

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Monday, 20 August 2007


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Winehouse: Fond of a tipple

Bee-hived songstress Amy Winehouse has smashed the opposition in a survey to find the world's most aptly named celebrity.

The perma-sloshed warbler beat Paris Hilton (over-rated but very accommodating) into second place, with Tom Cruise in third thanks to his propensity for scouring parks late at night looking for casual male companionship.

"Her name, when literally translated, means 'Beloved abode filled to the rafters with Sauvignon Blanc'. As ironically-monikered celebrities go, she's pure gold," drivelled professional Names Etymologist Hugh Windy-Bollocks, a fellow finalist.

A spokesman for Gallup who carried out the poll said Winehouse won easily. "Amy benefited hugely from being current and newsworthy. There are probably people out there with more spectacularly apposite handles, but none of them were recently dragged unconscious from the Ladies at Chinawhite."

Rappers obviously featured heavily with three in the top ten. In his pomp, Vanilla Ice liked nothing more than a postprandial sorbet with a Cadburys Flake, while Biggie Smalls clearly required industrial-sized underwear and P Diddy has a notoriously diminutive penis.

"Rappers and porn stars are at a huge advantage due to their professions," the spokesman went on. "As a result, we had to deduct points for celebrities who chose stage names instead of sticking with what their deluded parents chose for them. Otherwise King Dong and Candy Swallows would no doubt have walked it."

Experts say Winehouse is likely to hold onto her crown until the day Mick Hucknall changes his name by deed-poll to Smug Ginger Tosser.

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