Military Recruiters Using Sex to Entice Young Men to Join

Funny story written by Gitmo Dave

Tuesday, 17 July 2007


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

It has been alleged that one Cincinnati Ohio High School, Marine and Army recruiters are luring young men into the military with promises of sex.

The allegations surfaced when the mother of John Harold a 17 year old junior at the high school overheard her son explaining on the telephone to one of his friends: "I'll be getting lots of pussy. Girls go crazy for a guy in uniform." After questioning her son about what she had overheard she was able to determine that Sgt. Richard Allcock the recruiter assigned to Woodcrest High School had told him that his sex life would take off once he was in uniform.

"I was infuriated that they allow these people to use such tactics to entice impressionable young boys into the service. I have no problem if John wants to join the Marines, but this is a very inappropriate approach." When asked what she was going to do she said: "I've already called the school and talked to Faith Holmes the guidance counselor, and Jerry Bragwood the principle. I am going to contact Truman Healy, my representative, as well. This is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard of. He actually told John that the only reason they had women in the military was so that the men could have sex. 'You'll be getting more broad-ass than you can handle', is exactly what he told John."

APS spoke with Faith Holmes at the Woodcrest High School. Holmes said: "You know we are stuck in the middle here. We have to allow these people in to recruit and we don't want to appear as if we are interfering with the government. But this is really hard to justify from an educators point of view when we are also asked to teach an abstinence based approach to teenage sex. We can't teach them about condoms or birth control, and now the government is coming in here and telling our young men that they will be having unlimited sex by simply joining the military. Our hands are tied. If we don't go along with them they will simply make it hard on us."

Sgt. Allcock responded to questions by saying. "We don't have a draft and we've got to do something. And it's not a complete lie; many of the young men do end up having sex once they are in the military and sometimes with a fellow soldier or Marine." When asked about repercussions if the schools balked at allowing that kind of recruitment approach Allcock snapped: "This is America, not some totalitarian country. Of course there will be no repercussions, the idea is ridiculous."

Herb Green the president of GaGa the Woodcrest High School gay students association said that he was told that being gay would not make a difference if he wanted to join. He said that Allcock had told him with a wink that he could be put into a 'special' brigade with all gay men. "He said that the constitution was getting in the way making it a civil rights issue saying that we cannot segregate gay from straight military men. But then he said, what they don't know won't hurt them. Then he told me that gay men were turned on by men in uniform and that it would definitely increase my sex life." When asked if he was planning to join, Green said: "Get real."

Principle Bragwood sounding very haggard just shrugged his shoulders and responded emotionlessly to my questions by saying: "We're at war. They need bodies. If we don't cooperate, or if we tell them we can't, we'll lose our funding and probably be put on the terrorist list. There's nothing I can do or anyone can do; they are the government and they do what they want. We're supposed to be in charge of the welfare of these kids and when something like this comes along there is absolutely nothing we can do but stand back and let them do it."

APS will continue covering this story. Indications are that this is the tip of the iceberg. Since beginning our investigation into these recruiting practices in Cincinnati we have learned of possibly three more high schools where these same methods are employed. To keep informed read Gitmo Dave's Journal for the news no one else dares to report.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more