CAPITOL HILL (TheSpoof.com) EXCLUSIVE by Lily White - After centuries of verbal, literary and psychological abuse, Caucasian legislators, fearful of losing their historic color majority to people of "color," have won a valiant vanilla victory. The blizzard of controversy has resulted in a "white-out" that's long overdue.
House Bill 1842, the "White American Relief (WAR) Act of 2007" calls for a permanent moratorium on Caucasian-bashing. The bill has been sent to the White House, and, as soon as it's signed, white citizens across the nation can breathe a much-deserved sigh of relief.
The "white knights" of both chambers of Congress put politics aside for this principle of personal pride that touches all of us who have suffered needlessly far too long. "We're tired of being blamed for things that happened long before we were born," announced White Plains, NY congresswoman Blanche Snow. "And we're also fed up with being made to feel like it's our fault that we're smarter, richer and better looking than folks from the rest of the skin spectrum," echoed Sacramento senior Senator Sandor "Sandy" Pearl.
It's about time, and just in time. We're all had just about enough. It started with the pioneers. We suffered the anguish of being called "palefaces." But it didn't stop there. It didn't take long for us to be dubbed "honkies" and "crackers." In moments of despair and desperation, we even turned on some of our own kind with such monikers as "redneck", "white trash", and "bluetooth."
As word of the bill reached the lawns, fields and orchards of rural America (and was translated into English), Hispanic "newcomers" to our land immediately sought to change their color code so they could enjoy the same immunity from scrutiny. Seeing this as an opportunity to clandestinely continue their crusade, members of the "afro" community have begun buying up vast quantities of bleach in order to alter their outward appearance to more closely resemble their white brothers.
Native Americans have rallied their tribes and are seriously considering going on the warpath to protest the white wave, hoping that their efforts will result in a "waving of the white flag." Chinese restaurateurs, Korean laundry operators and Japanese spa owners have so far ignored the noise; it's not white they care about-it's green, as in the money they quietly take in from patrons from all parts of the palette.
Bottom line: If you're white, now it's all right. If you're not, it's time to see the "light."