FDA Warns Public Against Deadly Poison Aspartame

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 2 May 2007

image for FDA Warns Public Against Deadly Poison Aspartame
Doctors work on another Aspartame victim

WASHINGTON (AP) - FDA Chief Ralph Roachman has warned the American public "against eating Aspartame or getting any on your hands," the distinguished bureaucrat cautioned at a news conference.

"Aspartame is a deadly poison, and although the FDA has approved it for human consumption, you had better watch out," he stated. "The crap kills and causes cancer and screws up your brain."

Top FDA researcher Dr. Felix Minderbinder talked about how Aspartame alters genes and causes cancer throughout the human body and also causes weird behavior.

"Aspartame actually mututes genes in various organs, especially lymphoreticular organs, bone-marrow and kidney organs in subjects receiving it. Lymphoreticular organs are your immune system, like lymph nodes and stuff," he said. "This leads to all sorts of cancer, especially leukemia, organ cancers and brain cancers."

"At first we thought the effects were confined to rats and ants, but now we know it affects people and their behavior too. I secretly fed aspartame to Washington Republicans in their cafeterias and it caused all sorts of aberrant sexual behavior, and also a lot of disease," he said.

"The call girl and call boy businesses are booming there thanks to Aspartame and MSG too. Those poisons also make Republicans more warlike and irrational and this explains the Iraq and Afghanistan oil wars too."

Aspartame (L-phenylalanineN-L-alpha-aspartyl-1-methyl ester) is a highly popular artificial sweetener, and published results have shown that creatures receiving it have a significant increase of lymphoreticular neoplasms, brain tumors and many other cancers and diseases. It also screws up key oncogenes and a tumor suppressor genes, Dr. Minderbinder warned.

Supermarkets throughout the world are now removing products which contain artificial flavors, preservatives, and colors, especially Aspartame and MSG, noted Dr. Minderbinder.

The FDA added that "maybe someday the FDA will get around to ordering all that crap be removed from food," but he revealed that the corrupt Bush Administration is currently preventing him from doing so for now.

"We are also afraid of class action lawsuits by victims of our poor approval process, so if you want justice, victims had better sue the US government," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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