Menu Foods to Release new Line of Pet Food Without all the Renal Failure

Funny story written by Kagendo

Saturday, 24 March 2007

image for Menu Foods to Release new Line of Pet Food Without all the Renal Failure
The Late Mr. Fuzzbutt, Victim of Menu Food's Original Line of Products

Menu Foods, of Ontario Canada, this week announced a new lineup of pet food products, many of which cause little or no renal failure.

"This is a big paradigm shift for this company," says Marketing Executive Paula Hinkle, "Our new line of products contains almost no rat poison whatsoever, and we think our customers will notice the difference."

It may be a smart move, says Peter Whipple, area Veterinarian. "Renal failure kills pets quickly, perhaps after only a single exposure to the food product. When that happens, nobody wins. If Menu Foods can move toward a product that causes something more like Diabetes or another longterm, debilitating disease, we'll all be better off."

Whipple was unable to comment further as his private jet was ready to take him to a caviar party in Fiji.

Menu Food's Hinkle agrees. "There is a whole host of damaging chemicals that can threaten any of several major organ systems. We're not doing away with kidney failure. That's not what we're saying. What we are saying, is that, why not try liver failure? Or a brain tumor?"

Alarmists in the pet owners community are not convinced. Harry Belapeuntes, owner of 17 dogs, 36 cats, and a chinchilla said that he doesn't really see any improvement.

"So, I can stop my luvy-wuvies from getting renal failure. What's the point if their widdle bums will get all full up with rectal cancer? Am I crazy to expect a product that doesn't horribly damage my pets in one way or another?"

Belapeuntes added, "At least they'll have perfect kidneys to donate to my poor puppy-wuppies who still prefer Menu Foods' original line."

We asked Menu Foods Plant Director Buddy Benton if there were any plans to produce a line of pet foods that didn't kill or severely damage pets.

"I can't say I've heard anything about that. We're a market driven economy, and the truth is, if owners wanted pet food that doesn't kill or debilitate their pets, we'd already be producing it."

Benton paused to empty several barrels of Lye into a giant vat. "So far, we've been lucky."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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