BILLINGSGATE POST: Today, President Trump announced that he has nominated Cleotus (Clete) Erlbeck to be the new ambassador to the Galápagos Islands. A volcanic archipelago in the Pacific Ocean, it is considered one of the world’s foremost destinations for wildlife viewing. Not since Charles Darwin visited in 1835 has anyone been more concerned about Nature than Erlbeck, who earned his Doctorate in Zoology at Creighton University while working his way through school as a pest control officer for Doug’s Bug Company.
Like most nominees for these posts, Dr. Erlbeck was chosen because of his early work for Trump at the eponymously named Trump Tower as a pigeon exterminator. Hired because Trump got tired of combing pigeon shit out of hair as he entered his building, Erlbeck made a name for himself by blowing the pesty bastards to Hell with his Winchester SKP Black Shadow Pump-Action Shotgun.
After visiting the Galápagos Islands a number of years ago he decided to move there permanently. Channeling his operation after his favorite show, Gilligan’s Island, he moved himself and his entourage of gorgeous chicks into a cave on Isabella Island, where he supported himself and the chicks by harvesting bat guano and trading it to local gardeners for vegetables.
It was there that he researched and wrote a book about the giant tortoises that were indigenous to the islands. His book, “My Observation: Why The Giant Tortoise Can’t Gain Traction While Being Turned Upside Down” brought him fame and distinction in his academic field.
Now, as the American ambassador to the Galápagos Islands, he will fulfill his life.
Dr. Slim: “When will I be so honored? I’m not exactly chopped liver.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. Maybe it’s time for you to re-evaluate your position in Time and Space.”
