Following a recent photo showing Trump at an Iowa Dairy Queen, we met a man who claimed he was the local store manager at a Burlington bus stop. Dressed in weathered and tattered clothing, each item bearing the signs of long and difficult days, and profusely rubbing his gums, he told us:
“We love ice cream, and we love our customers. Most of them. Our doors are open for the public to enter, so we can’t in good conscience – or even legally – tell anyone we don’t like to get out. Sure, if they were gay, the Supreme Court says we can, but for a certain recent customer, we can’t. We could get lynched by his mass followers.
“A man who called himself The President entered one of our establishments in, was it, Iowa? One of those backward states where they still call alcohol “hooch” and think girls who wear a “man’s” pants are “from the devil!” These people go to church every day of the week, for fuck’s – or God’s – sakes!
“It was a photo op. That’s all. Please don’t let HIS visit brand us as MAGA or QANON or whatever those people are going on about. We sell ice cream – that’s it. We’re not the My Pillow guy. For fuck’s sake – please don’t compare us to him! (Isn’t he in jail with the rest of them?)
“Come back to us. Have a blizzard. We know what it is – we aren’t lost and confused by ice cream – that other guy didn’t know what it was, which tells us that he’s never been inside one of our stores before Iowa let the bastard in. Nothing good has ever come from Iowa. Everybody knows what a blizzard is! If all else fails, D- … sorry, almost said HIS name there … if all else fails, read the goddamn menu!
“Anyway, please don’t hate us because He came for a visit. That store is currently being fumigated and sprayed and possibly burned down and rebuilt.
“All is not negative, some good did come from His visit. We came up with a new tagline:
Blizzards may cause ice cream headaches, but so do ex-presidents.
