A professor in this country who was virtually unknown a month ago ended all poverty in America last night and has captured more media space recently that the last sixteen U. S. Presidents combined.
"I don't know why any academics, economists, or idiot savants didn't see centuries ago what has only taken me a week of concentration to realize, " he said. "It's just so simple, you can easily fit all the easy - to - read steps on the back of a fast - food menu. Even your children will be awed that no one thought of it sooner. Oh, and by the way, the first step is to unionize all fast - food workers and put them into one company whose name I decided will be "Poverty - Busting Fast Food Employers of America (PBFFEA, Inc. )."
People across the country woke this morning "woke" to this future Noble Prize Winning genius and humanitarian who would even make the two Alberts blush with his genius and humanity (Einstein and Schweitzer, of course).
Even in the reddest of red states among the least of the least educated or socially aware of people with their baseball caps on backwards who think a Freudian slip is lingerie or Marxism has something to do with the three actors in "Duck Soup, " people woke up and said "Duh, why didn't I think of it? All we have to do is change the entire structure of the United States."
So here's the quick and easy recipe that the professor who has been consuming all the oxygen in academia talking about and causing all the ink and paper in every newspaper and magazine in the country to vanish:
- All Americans must spend every waking minute thinking about how what they do impacts continuation of poverty.
- When you relieve yourself somewhere - - no matter how close you are to soiling yourself - - determine whether the toilet was made in a union shop. Start by crawling on the floor (that condom or tampon is nothing to worry about, but you will check for the union made sticker on both after you eliminate) and looking under the bowel for "union made" stamped on it.
- Follow the professor's flow chart to then contribute to the end of poverty in America by noon Eastern Time today: If you verify the toilet is union made, do your business. Feel better, of course you do, you've just pinched a loaf in a product made by workers who make enough money to own a home, keep lots of fresh food on the table, drive a good car, have health care, avoid loan sharks, get mortgages at great rates, and have credit cards.
But STOP, don't wipe! Is that toilet paper made in a plant where the workers have not been allowed to organize for better pay, benefits, and working conditions? If the answer is "no, " you will as a mindful, compassionate American who is determined to end poverty according with the professor's plans, soil your pants and display them proudly throughout the office and everywhere you go today to shame and make everyone see and smell what worker exploitation looks like.
- When the manager of the fast food place asks you on your way out if you would like to order something, you ask him if his business is part of PBFFEA, yet. If he is, go for it, baby.
Order the Big Daddy Equality for All in America Plate that comes with grits, mustard greens, burritos, enchiladas, Caesar salad, prime rib, bagels, pastrami, pizza, spaghetti, skirt steak, Welsh rabbit, shepherd's pie, falafel, French toast, French bread, and French fries (Yeah, you got it, we celebrate the French in this new poverty - free America. They inspired us to do it in the first place! Take that "U. S. A, U. S. A. , U. S. A. " coat - rack waving government - building invaders!).
Anyway, after you have finished all your entrees in this poverty - ending, genius professor - inspired solution (that hopefully will leave behind a little ink and newsprint to cover the Final Four), there will be French Roast Coffee, French Vanilla ice cream, New York - style cheesecake, and pie.
The pie is inspired by a recipe from the Great Depression that an FDR grandmother baked and left on her windowsill to cool. It was removed by an unemployed vagrant riding the Missouri - Pacific while singing "This Land is my Land, " and "Buddy Can You Spare A Dime" in alternating verses. The vagrant prayed that some day, some Ph. D. somewhere sitting in a faculty club while finishing his cappuccino and having his coffee automatically refilled by an "undocumented worker" (term the professor has abolished) would have an epiphany such as he had.
It would take only four or five structural changes (including razing every mall and shopping center in America where there were no union workers and everything was made by eight - year - olds in leg irons in Paraguay) and have all the happy, ecstatic, townhouse - loving, divorced, dog - loving, disgruntled, drunken, little league - supporting, luxury European car - owning suburban men and women who woke up this morning "unwoke, " but are now "woke" thanks to Professor - solved - right - now's - five quick and easy structural changes to end all poverty in the United States as of noon today.
As a footnote, when the professor was honored at a luncheon at a diner where everybody ordered a cup of hot water and added some of the ketchup on the counter to make tomato soup and thus incur no bill, while giving everyone a lesson in empathy, he remarked:
"Obliterating poverty in America was always a no - brainer. A decerebrate could have figured out. It was only ever about getting all of us to think about nothing else every day, turn the entire tax structure upside down, require low income housing everywhere (even on the Upper East and West Sides of Manhattan and where J. P. Morgan and that Epstein fellow lived who moved to the Metropolitan Correction Center).
“Billionaires just had to be made aware of how much money they had by all the rest of us and they would gladly distribute it so we all could have middle - class lives. Understanding that and that there is no such thing as "immigration. " It was always a misunderstanding that countries had borders or that any number of people crossing from one country into another with nothing would have even the slightest impact on the budgets of countries whether rich or poor. "
The professor closed by saying to all leaders of the world who rule rich nations, "Take down that wall, Mr. Gorbachev. "
Note: The professor is a brilliant man but he suffers from Tourette's and when he gets excited he starts calling everyone "Mr. Gorbachev."
