US Government Mandates TikTok Be Removed From Government Devices But Says Porn & Pill Sites Okay To Stay

Funny story written by Uncle DD

Tuesday, 7 March 2023

image for US Government Mandates TikTok Be Removed From Government Devices But Says Porn & Pill Sites Okay To Stay
My daddy works for the government - holy shit, are those titties!

Washington, DC – Federal authorities recently cracked down on TikTok, the Chinese-owned video hosting service, because of the information security risks they believe are associated with the very popular social media app. After a hush-hush closed-door session earlier, a group of senators emerged with legislation they considered to be a positive move forward.

A Senate spokesperson addressed journalists this morning saying, “Yeah, we’re concerned. Sure. Everyone else might consider cute cat GIFs and cooking fail videos as okay but because a Chinese company owns this technology and can provide it to the Chinese government then this is definitely an international security threat. Therefore, I'm sorry but all federal employees are gonna have 30 days to remove their TikToks. End of story.”

When asked why a similar ban hasn’t been set against other types of sites and apps, the spokesperson responded, “Whatcha talking about porn? PORN? Oh you’re talking about porn right...? Oh God, now I can’t stop thinking about porn… Look we have TRIED getting rid of that and mandating against it but we couldn’t. I mean porn comes in so many forms, it’s like almost perfect how it eludes detection… Did I just say porn again…? We even tried banning X’s off of device search engines but not even that worked. For instance the words ‘tax’ and ‘taxes’ were constantly getting flagged. And what decent sentence about government doesn’t have some form of the word tax in it…? So we began referring to tax as ‘taCKs’ and ‘taCKSes’ but no one pretended to fucking understand what we were talking about… We had to start referring to Texas as TeKSas but then somebody started spelling it TeKKKsas and everybody thought that was so fucking hilarious…”

When asked about banning access to pharmaceutical sites, the spokesperson said, “What are you kiddin'? My God man we need those, to help us cope. Government is fucking crazy…”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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