It’s Groundhog Day in the Northern Americas, where weather is controlled by rodents, and Pawshequmaddiqiiiqqquuizhhdhd Phil (or whatever the thing has been named by City Fathers) has refused to come out!
A tiny microphone was squeezed into Phil’s den, where he said:
“I’m not going out there. It’s a new year and it’s already started off shit. Have you reached a dozen mass murders yet? Too cold to feel your trigger fingers? Has the world blown to chunks yet? Then why do you think knowing how long winter will be can help anything? Dumbass gits! Wanna know the truth? The winter is going to last FOREVER! It’s not created by nature, but by asshole politicians who create and maintain wars to stuff more money in their pockets. That’s your winter, mate. Get rid of them and finally the sun will shine again. Until then. I’m staying in hibernation – that’s my nation! Now piss off and let me get back to sleep!”
Hell hath no fury like an angry groundhog … best stay away, leave on tiptoes, and don’t even cough or this winter may never end.