Kill ‘Em All to Make Jesus Happy

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Wednesday, 5 October 2022

image for Kill ‘Em All to Make Jesus Happy
Jesus Is Comin' to Kill You! Praise Your Killer!

Lauren Boebert (god, not her again) has said to a kinda enthusiastic crowd (though the hand-clapping could’ve been added in later) that she is excited to be living in the times when Jesus Christ is gonna come back!

This time for sure!

Why do Christians hate the world so much? I mean, really hate it, to such an extent that they look forward to nuclear war. Their mythology tells them that when the world dies, Jesus will return. To what, exactly? Bring it back to life? I don’t believe Lazarus was happy about it, since he had to die all over again once his messiah got strung up himself. So why would the dead world want to be resurrected by Jesus?

(And if such a large grou of people want everyone to die, wouldn’t that prick up the ears of those law enforcement personnel who say they’re very adamant about rounding up all terrorists? An ISIS guy might want to destroy America, but these Christians want to destroy everyone and everything! Is that not the very definition of terrorist?)

Oh, I get it, Jesus wants the world to be formed in his image – pulling the same shit his daddy tried. (If man was made in Jehovah’s image, then weren’t women as well? Which means every USA Christian who voted against abortion is also against god. Ain’t it funny when you apply logic to mythology? That’s how to turn a religion into a cartoon … so easy … Bugs Bunny was smarter than Jesus Christ – there, I said it, where’s my fatwa?)

Does Lauren think she will stand beside Jesus, An AR-15 in hand, killing those of a different colour and religion or anyone who looks a J-Dog funny? Is it revenge Christians want? Comeuppance? Isn’t that the swan song of those without power – to demand power or else someone’s gotta die?

In Christ’s case, everyone’s gotta die for him to be happy upon return. (And Lauren will be on her knees in front of her lord and master … she’s done it before.)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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