New York is suffering under the wrath of the shark! Sharks have been eating people, sometimes with mustard or hot and spicy salsa, and washing up on NY beaches, wondering where Steven Spielberg is at.
Spielberg has commented: “No, there have been enough Jaws movies – I only made the first – I’m not making any more. I make films, I’m not a marine biologist. Talk to Richard Dreyfuss.”
Now I, like Homer Simpson, lusted after the mom in the first two or three Jaws movies. Played by Lorraine Gary, I think in the third she was dating Michael Caine (those glasses! that wavy hair!), so you know she’s got good taste. But she seems to attract shark-related activity. Problem is: she stopped making most films in the 1970s, although she did come out of retirement in 1987 … to make ANOTHER Jaws movie! But since she’s retired, she could not be reached for comment, and no one saw her anywhere a NY beach, so she’s safe … whew!
The sharks may be the greatest evil New York has ever faced – except 911 and other bombings and murders that take place there seemingly every day – and the population of the NYPD is larger than the militaries of many nations – but still the sharks attack!
If you’re in New York and feel like taking a dip in its shit-stained waters, please do NOT cover yourself with mustard, ketchup, salsa, or melted cheese! God no – not cheese! Sharks love it!
