Pop-Up Ads Ruin Life in The Matrix

Funny story written by Kilroy

Monday, 14 December 2020

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"Meh! I've seen stranger things."

The appearance of pop-up ads in everyday reality has prompted leading scientists to speculate that what we perceive as “real life” is nothing more than a virtual reality simulation. Oxford philosopher Nick Bostrom started all this utter nonsense in a 2003 paper that questioned if the world we see as ‘real’ is even located at a fundamental level of our reality. As all truly enlightened people know, the totality of our reality exists in a bus station locker, but translated for the layman, the bumper sticker reads, “Real is Relative”.

Even if Bostrom only opened the portal to Hell, the founder of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s PlayLabs and author of “The Simulation Hypothesis” definitely designed the express elevator to it. Rizwan Virk, a high priest of the simulation hypothesis, asks the bold question, “Are we sure we aren’t embedded within a world created by beings more technologically savvy than ourselves?” and allegedly followed by, “Am I nuts?”

The short answers are “Yes, they call themselves advertisers,” followed by, “Ask the Magic 8 Ball later.”

Reality enthusiasts fall into two major camps: those who ascribe to the superior technology model and those who lean towards a hack writer named Chuck. While normal, rational human beings would consider both models drunken Iguana crazy, reality as we know it apparently has shifted with the arrival of Matrix Advertising.

“We analyzed the arrival of “alternate reality” after the appearance of an alien advertising artifact about a week ago. It was a huge banner ad by Elon Musk, apparently targeted at the future Martian demographics, advertising, "Oxygen dirt cheap!" And that’s not the bad news,” stated Dr. Zachary Smith, lead researcher at the Morpheus Institute of Computer Studies. “It was hanging in MID AIR!” he exclaimed dramatically, looking directly towards an imaginary camera.

It turned out to be the first of many such ads, which validated the bat guano crazy theory that the totality of our reality is simply one bad reality show. Now with ads.

The sharp increase in pop-up ads appearing at inopportune times has, among other things, led to a rash of traffic accidents from obstructed fields of view. And it shows no sign of leveling off. In fact, it is increasing, since this has been an agonizingly long political year. A prominent political analyst who asked not to be named, but still had his avatar and screenname hanging in mid-air over his head said, “At this rate, life in this computer construct will absolutely SUCK in no time. Just today, we’ve already had hundreds of people literally splattered with feces from political ads.”

Not everybody is taking the new revelations negatively. Many employers reported higher than average absenteeism after the news broke. Tony Stark, regional manager of Con-Electric remarked, “We’ve had difficulty keeping the power grid going due to 70% of our operators declining to come to work now that they realize the world isn’t even real. We’ve had about...dammit get that Viagra ad out of my face…a dozen blackouts in the Midwest due to failure to properly route….geez, Louise, no, I do not NEED a bigger penis…. power supplies,” he said just before being crushed to death by a massive Nigerian scam pop-up.

Several AWOL workers were interviewed in Central Park, playing frisbee. “This is so cool. If nothing is real, then nothing matters. Takes a load off of my mind, “said Buck Itall, former shift manager at Home Depot. When asked how he intended to pay rent and eat if he didn’t have a paycheck, Buck replied, “Well…uh…if nothing is real…then how can you starve to death, right?”

Optimistic but flawed logic is expected to take a huge toll over the coming weeks since virtual reality appears to have the same laws of physics as the real world. This is being proven out by steadily increasing numbers of gravity-related deaths and vehicular mayhem.

As the new reality sets in, there have also been a rash of gun related incidents as people, under the mistaken notion that they can dodge bullets, continue to shoot each other. Ted Logan, theology student at Notre Dame, pleaded with a group of high school students visiting campus to exercise caution after coming upon them exchanging shots with pellet guns. Logan was shot and wounded in the left testicle after warning the group, “Whoa, dudes, like, you’re not Neo, OK?”

As the number of pop-up ads continues to escalate, even mundane activities
have been slowed to a snail’s pace. “It takes five minutes just to get to the freaking bathroom, going through one ad after another,” said one disgruntled office worker, oddly still on the job. “These things are damned dangerous. I’m tall, so I’m constantly bashing my head on the low hanging ones. One of my co-workers was found in his office this morning crushed to death under about two-dozen porn site pop-ups. And that’s a pretty nasty way to go.”

Pop Up ads in reality appear to be the new norm. But scientists researching the nature of the new reality have discovered a Premium Matrix Reality, offering reality without all the Pop Ups. For a low monthly rate, you can continue to live your petty, mundane life without all the interruptions that come from Pop Up ads. All it’ll cost you is your soul, but you get free Disney.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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