It was revealed today that the outgoing self-proclaimed greatest-ever American president, Donald Trump, has spent $2bn of US taxpayers’ money on a portrait of himself. The portrait was commissioned yesterday evening, and was completed within fifteen minutes by New York sidewalk portrait artist Iva Daub4U.
The artist, famous for drinking her own turpentine while she paints, allowed selected journalists a glimpse of the completed work, currently hanging on the wall of her basement public restroom home beneath Penn station.
The lucky members of the press pack afforded this privilege were charged an entry fee of $2 each to view the portrait, a fee that also included a free go on the urinal of their choice. (Could mortal man ask for more?)
After the viewing, the press pack unanimously described the portrait as ‘total shite.’ The news that the painting was funded with an obscene amount of public money added further insult to injury.
It’s understood that Trump commissioned the portrait via a third party company, ‘Ivanka & Jared’s Pop-Up Portraits.’ It’s further understood that the commissioning company retained the lion’s share of the fee. The actual final payment given to the artist was a mere $2 plus a gallon of methylated spirits.
However, not everybody shares the same sentiment about the portrait as the journalists. The subject himself, Trump, was quick to praise the enterprise, describing the painting as ‘evocative.’
“I’m delighted with it,” crowed Trump, “I think it captures the warrior in me. Not only do I look tough, hunky and like sex-on-legs, but I look almost as handsome as I do in real life. I’ll bet there’ll be a few juicy moments for the ladies when it goes on display at the Metropolitan.”
Trump then went on to describe the circumstances of how the idea came to him of how he should be depicted in the picture.
“I don’t know if anyone noticed, but I held a little rally in Washington last Wednesday,” said the President. “It wasn’t a big affair, just a few loyal friends. I made a little speech to them about how I believe Biden won fair and square, and how I was looking forward to peacefully handing over power to his administration. I also told them I was looking forward to putting my feet up, playing a little more golf perhaps, or maybe volunteering to help out on the Covid wards at my local hospital in Palm Beach. I happened to notice a quiet guy standing at the front holding a spear with a stars and striped nailed to it. There he was dressed just like I am in the portrait. Now isn’t that a coincidence!”
The President then added, “I may have inadvertently mentioned that the election was a complete fraud, and disgusting people were robbing them of their true president, the greatest man ever in the history of mankind… that’s me, of course. I also may have let it slip out that it might not be a bad idea to march down to Capitol Hill and bust up the place a little. I never thought for one moment these patriots, these very special people, would actually do such a thing.
You can imagine how I felt later when I found out after they’d trashed the place, they all turned out to be ultra-right wing redneck shit-for-brains thugs. Who’d have thought that? I was so distressed, I was too upset to call in the National Guard. That white-haired traitor who works for me had to do it.”
It is understood that VP-elect Kamala Harris has been tasked with listing all the abuses of power, corruption and other crimes committed by Trump and his cohorts so that criminal proceedings can be brought once Trump is finally kicked out. In a short statement today on the subject of the portrait, she said, “This has to be top of the list. Have you seen the f*cking thing?”