News that the ex-president’s wife/daughter, Ivanka, has jumped on the Covid bandwagon to make a fast buck from it came as no surprise to the hastily-assembled press pack summoned to the White House this morning.
Instead of the usual briefing, a two-hour rant from Trump about how the 2020 election was rigged, everyone else but him is a cheating crook, and the world is against him, Ivanka Trump took the lectern. Wearing a doctor’s white coat, she boldly announced her latest money-making enterprise.
As from Monday next week, for a fee of $10,000 per jab, Ivanka is offering inoculations against the Covid-19 virus. The service, that will be operated from a pop-up clinic in the laundry room of a Trump hotel in downtown Manhattan, is aimed at the celebrity market, and those too dumb to know the value of money.
“I’m delighted to be able to offer this service to the eagerly awaiting American elite,” crowed Ivanka. “I’ve bought all the equipment already, a ton of the vaccine, and half a dozen needles. I don’t need a facemask. I’ll keep a window open.”
When quizzed by the cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano, as to the source of the vaccine, bearing in mind, as yet, one isn’t approved for use in the US, Ivanka snapped, “You’re a nosey little creep, aren’t you?”
However, when pressed by the reporter from the UK gardening magazine Thyme for an answer, Ivanka told the press pack that she would be using the Russian ‘Sputnik Vee’ vaccine, a product not even authorised for use yet in Russia.
“Uncle Vlad sold me a batch real cheap,” simpered Ivanka. “Apparently, a rat fell into the mixing vat, so the batch wouldn’t have passed their stringent hygiene rules, but he assured me it’s okay for use in America.”
The news of this latest money-making scam from Ivanka has caused an outrage in many circles, not least those of the US medical professionals.
Quick to condemn the enterprise was Dr Anthony Fauci, the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.
“This is plain crazy,” barked Fauci from a safe place underneath his virus-proof bed. “No vaccine has yet been approved for use in America, and especially not the Russian Sputnik Vee. This enterprise is dumb, dangerous, and highly illegal, and too expensive at $10,000 a shot. $7,000 would be more reasonable. That’s all I have in my savings.”
However, not everyone is against this business. It is understood that Trump’s swivel-eyed pet lunatic and personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, has threatened crippling legal action against anybody dumb enough to try and stop the clinic opening. The dumpy porcine legal-eagle apparently has invested in the enterprise.
“I bought the needles,” smirked Giuliani, black dye streaking down the sides of his fat, sweaty face, “so keep your mouths shut unless you want to be bogged down in a quagmire of brutal litigation for the rest of your shitty, little lives.”
Apparently, first in the queue for a jab will be the screen actor Johnny Depp, who shelled out the ten grand as soon as the service was announced, believing it to be an illegal substance he could abuse.