Rock Paper Scissors Tournament

Funny story written by Butch

Sunday, 11 October 2020

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In Watkinsonville, GA - Chik-fil-a hosted a Rock Paper Scissors tournament where the winner received free food for one year. Seth Welch was the lucky winner, in what the assistant marketing director called a good chance for the restaurant to meet and greet new people and prospective customers. We met with Seth, and he was an active, helpful, and friendly guy.

We needed something to write about, so we decided to meet with Seth at 6 and 12 months after his decisive rock paper scissors win. We wanted to see if eating a ton of fast food could change a person.

Six months into Seth’s victory, and already he gained weight, was irritable, and losing hair. He didn’t recognize us, and we had to almost re-introduce ourselves. In one instance, he hit our intern because he didn’t answer his question, so we left.

Twelve months into his greatest accomplishment in life, and he was having trouble moving about, his blood type changed from A negative to cheese curds, and he had chronic diarrhea, so he had to wear a diaper wherever he went. Most of his speech was garbled and nonsensical and he hit our intern again.

We decided it was worth it to do a one-year follow-up after that last visit, because his doctor and family had an intervention and he could not eat any fast food/junk food for the entire year. After a one-year cleanse, he could speak, he lost all the weight, he was coherent, and back to the great guy that he was all that time ago. Despite all of this, our intern still punched him in the face.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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