First there was the Drake Equation, devised in 1961, which theorised the existence of alien civilisations, and now a New York scientist has gone one better by proving that the existence of an alien version of the 1970s jazz rock band Steely Dan is a fundamental prerequisite of the cosmos.
Doctor Johnny Chow, who lives in the back of an Oldsmobile with languid, bittersweet women of the night, was interviewed yesterday about his breakthrough. “My equation envisions several Steely Dan-type worlds or universes. In one scenario, an alien Walter Becker and Donald Fagen control all mineral resources on Planet X, and are worshipped as gods by a race of expanding men. In another universe, they lead a rebel army against a sort of anti-Dan who lives in the sky dining on wine from a paper bag. My unified field Dan theory rules out a cosmos in which Steely Dan are absent. This is important for everyone who owns Steely Dan albums but are ashamed to admit it. These albums are primordial artefacts, not something that supposedly creep women out as soon as you stick one on the turntable. I think it’s important to keep in mind these many world Dan scenarios, a sort of Dan multiverse.”
Chow, who is being financially supported by Bill Murray, was removed from his car yesterday by a committee of concerned relatives. His brother described the situation as very tragic. “He is very high. It is a crying disgrace.” Chow says he intends next to mathematically prove that the environment can only be saved if people start speaking in Michael McDonald falsetto, as it’s “more soothing for deer and marine life.”