WASHINGTON – After extensive research into the causes of violence in the US, the FBI announced that a large majority of shootings begin with a disagreement over Hollywood character actor, Steve Zahn.
Deputy Director Ed Holt remarked: “We were very surprised that this was such a consistent cause of violence. It starts with people watching a movie like Reality Bites, You’ve Got Mail or Riding in Cars with Boys, and things get out of hand. Some people find Mr. Zahn’s portrayals as puckish and amiable, while others just can’t stand the little turd.”
“Often, someone makes a claim, someone else counters, people take sides, no one wants to back down, and it leads to gunfire,” continued Holt.
We have considered pulling all Zahn-related movies off of the air. I understand the First Amendment implications, but the bloodshed needs to stop.”
