Metropolis, Illinois. This morning, from his mansion, billionaire, Jeff Bezos, has announced that the Man of Steel is no more. Following a dramatic confrontation, the tech and retail CEO addressed the press in front of his slightly damaged mansion after some Amazon delivery drones dropped several bright green coated explosives.
“For too long, this alien has ravaged this planet and my business affairs. Now, I have proven that truth, justice, and the American way are no match for power, wealth, and a high arsenal of military-grade weapons.”
In a past interview with local reporter, Clark Kent, (who has been unavailable to comment on this report) he stated the past few years have been taxing, as Superman has thwarted attempts by Bezos to own retail store Target, and replace all his employees with robots.
“In recent years, Bezos has tried to kill Superman by manufacturing kindles made from kryptonite, blocking the sun with Blue Origin spaceships, and offering free Prime memberships to those who could give information on the hero’s whereabouts. Another attempt was made to emit radioactive kryptonite waves through the Fire Phone, but failed because consumers were not as gullible to purchase the devices as Bezos was expecting.”
It is unclear when this rivalry started. Some say his opposition to Superman began in Bezos’ younger days, when he was living in the American Midwest. Recently, experts state that the rivalry intensified when the Man of Tomorrow visited the billionaire, and accused him of profiting off customers’ and employees’ misfortune. Legal consequences appear highly unlikely for the tycoon, given the current administration’s stance on the status of immigrants. Once his press briefing concluded, Bezos ordered the Alexa attached to his warsuit armor to initiate the next phase. At press time, Bezos for President ads have been released on social media platforms, while all the major drug companies have announced mergers with Whole Foods Market. Meanwhile, The Washington Post has just published a lengthy editorial on the benefits of a monopoly, with the obituary of Earth’s greatest hero placed in the comics section.