New York City’s most popular mayor of all time has made an announcement that he has come up with a plan to cut the city’s crime rate in half. Addressing the press on the steps of the state house, mayor Bill de Blasio said the following:
“Okay, everybody, I have just implemented a plan that will cut all crime in New York City in half. We are helping the police so that they do not have to respond to frivolous crimes by re-classifying them.”
“From now on, we are getting rid of mugging as a felony,” the mayor continued. “We will recategorize mugging as a financial transaction which is not illegal. A financial transaction is a business deal between two complementary parties. It is as simple as that. This will free up police to perform duties that have been neglected, like enforcing parking tickets and littering, which are serious infractions that impact the quality of life for everyone.
“Rape has been repurposed as an adult sexual game. If you ever go to the website, Pork and Grind, you will see categories with subjects such as bondage and domination to sado-masochism. You look at these videos, and, man, that looks like someone might think it is rape, but it is not. I watch those videos every night.”
“Burglary will be renamed as a mental episode, as we know that this involves people who have the psychological disease of kleptomania. Weekly therapy and the right medications will be the norm for this type of action.”
“Lastly, we all know that what we have been labeling as vandalism is no more than home and business improvement. As a matter of fact, the home owners or business owners are responsible for paying the handyman for his work.”
“We will create an oversight committee to ensure the laws are properly enforced. This new recategorizing will help the police department from becoming overworked.”
“Another thing we have to do, is to ensure that all financial transactions are properly taxed.”
As of press time, the mayor insinuated that the crime of murder will be changed to a belated abortion.