Grand Rapids, Michigan. After deeply reflecting on the fact that Timber Tech's Best Craft Furniture & Decking Boards, Inc. would be on the verge of an irreversible collapse if the company kept routinely testing its employees at various Midwestern locations for excessive drug use and severe alcoholism, professional counselor, Robert Kane, 54, pleaded with company leaders at a meeting last Monday to "lighten up a little bit", and "just let a few things go."
Overwhelmed and burned out after hearing about everything from demonic butterflies to invisible gargoyles with penises on their faces that use special vacuum cleaners to drain soul energy from the living, Kane expressed his understanding that the industry's 'zero tolerance policy' for incredibly dysfunctional, off-work, criminal behavior and substance abuse would result in production lines permanently shutting down.
"Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, crystal meth, domestic abuse, and extremely high levels of hard liquor consumption are some things we will need to look past going into the future," Bob stated while silently wishing that recently-hired laborers at the company would stop calling him in order to explain how they saw angels after becoming dehydrated and accidentally landing on top of magical conveyor belts that sent them into undefinable realities in which they were nothing but contorted pixels controlled by dildo-wielding moon gods and fire-breathing spiders.
"Fuck it!" he added, before explaining that one of the location's forklift drivers experiencing withdrawal from a modified form of LSD had driven into a stack of boards only because he felt the need to get away from a gigantic floating vagina that was trying to suck him into a parallel universe full of purple cocoons and green-eyed leprechauns hell-bent of performing unspeakable acts of sodomy.
Upon concluding that testing policies would need to be reduced for the sake of the economy, the behavioral health specialist, who sincerely wished that he had studied some other field during his college days, went back to his apartment and chain-smoked Marlboro Reds while consuming EVERCLEAR until a table he had purchased from the company started walking around and talking to him.
