Severely Dehydrated Local Man Suffering Mid-Life Crisis Screams That He Doesn't Want To Waste His Life Mowing Lawns Anymore

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 4 July 2020

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FUCK!

Platteville, Wisconsin. Profoundly loaded with PTSD and tons of irreversible emotional baggage from his highly traumatizing 56 minutes of mowing a quarter-mile stretch of lawn at Excel Brushworks Inc., 44-year-old part-time janitor Luke Wesley desperately screamed, Thursday, that he doesn't want to mow lawns anymore.

Completely emptied of essential minerals due to excessive coffee consumption, tobacco smoking, drug use, and alcoholism throughout the week, the mid-life crisis sufferer stumbled into the break area, took out his dick, and peed all over his coworkers before constantly ranting that the invisible "lawn-mowing" people were after him.

As a result of the fact that Luke had severe Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12 deficiencies while he was using an old-fashioned lawn mower to chop up endless stretches of lawn in the relentless humidity, the neurons in his brain moved faster than the red hurricane on Jupiter...causing him to see numerous blue dots, several stars, and flying lawnmower blades.

Water-deprived and cognitively-confused beyond imagination, Luke uttered several incoherent phrases before loudly screaming "FUCK LAWNS!"..."FUCK LAWN MOWERS!"...and..."I CAN'T HANDLE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!"

After passing out cold on the floor and drooling all over himself, Luke, who sincerely didn't want to waste any more time on this Earth mowing lawns, then passed away, before he was taken by lawn-mowing angels to lawn-mowing paradise where he was given a lawn mower so that he could continue to mow lawns.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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