Spoof News HQ, Shangri-La, China. With deepest apologies to our readers, Spoof must retract Sunday's report that the Washington Monument was toppled by protesters, left and right that morning. We greatly regret the erroneous story.
Our correction: The monument did topple, but it was brought down by a group of anti-environmentalists, neither lefties nor right-wingers, protesting the pro-environmentalism of President Trump. The monument did not fall in the morning, as we reported, but during the night. As explained by one of the antis:
"We worked feverishly just before midnight, weakening the critical base of the monument, but decided to finish the demolition just before dawn. The only part of Spoof's report that was correct was that our only purpose was to see this giant fall. Alas, it came down in the wee ours of the morning while we were asleep. No one saw it fall!"
The anti-environmentalists now claim responsibility for cutting down the General Grant and General Sherman trees in Sequoia National Park. "No, it was not a bunch of Confederate sympathizers who did it as a protest to the actions of Grant and Sherman. We did it as a protest against the environmentalist movement. When those other guys took credit, we decided to down Washington's monument."
Having clarified that, Spoof also wishes to correct the Mt. Rushmore mistake in our report. First of all, we always use two sources before we print anything. One source is not enough to rely on. In the case of Mt. Rushmore, our reporter heard a cable newscast reporting the obliteration of the four sculptures on Rushmore. He then turned to another news channel and heard a similar report. With two sources, the reporter believed the story was valid and posted it on Spoof. Alas, the sources were in error.
"As it turned out, the TV set was not tuned to CNN as it usually is. Instead, the set was erroneously tuned to One American News, a no-no at Spoof. When the reporter hit the return button to go to the previous channel, which would have automatically turned to MSNBC, it went instead to Fox News or NewsMax, which naturally had the same version of the Rushmore story.
Now, the sculptures were obliterated, as Spoof reported, but not by political protesters. Rather, an enormous flock of passenger pigeons, flying north for the summer, stopped to roost on the heads of Lincoln and the other three presidents. Yes, the last reported passenger pigeon, Martha, died at the Cincinnati zoo in 1916, apparently marking the extinction of the species.
Not true. One anti-social flock had left the U.S. about 1900, and flew to the tip of South America, and thrived there until recently, when global warming made their survival there questionable. So they flew north, heading for what they hoped would be a colder Canada, stopping overnight at Rushmore, and nesting on Lincoln and the others. In the morning, as the pigeons left, all the sculptures were obliterated, as Spoof reported, but not by bombs from drones, but by bird dung. The cost of removing it exceeds the entire Rushmore budget, and Trump has refused to move funds from his wall project to pay for the Rushmore dung removal.
Spoof also apologizes for any other errors that may have appeared in the story. Remember our motto, for it may explain this and any other errors: "All the news that fits we print... again and again."