Politically-Correct Congregation Holds A "Celebration Of Life" For Alcoholic, Abusive, And Gruesome Monster Who Was Probably Just Misunderstood

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 27 June 2020

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Wauzeka, Wisconsin. Members at St. Jude & Bethany's Episcopal Church Of Profoundly Serious Enlightenment And Dedication gathered together, last Wednesday, to hold a "celebration of life" for Michael Willard Kain, an abusive, gruesome, hot-tempered, emotionally-explosive, anti-social, hard-drinking criminal who passed away in 1970 at the age of 45.

Although it was extraordinarily difficult to accept that the Lord in Heaven had decided to take the bar-brawling, whiskey-consuming behemoth of unpredictable rage into his loving arms 50 years ago, loyal Christians held hands and sincerely tried to fight off tears as they kept asking why the hideous, mean-spirited creature of epic proportions had to go at such an early age.

"It's just hard to find the right words," Reverend Jonathan Smith stated in a very noble effort to hold his emotions inside over the fact that the ferociously insensitive, psychotic, and unholy beast with no attention span and several cognitive disorders had been taken into the cherished realm of paradise.

"The middle part of the 20th Century must have been a very troublesome time during which to live, and it's very arduous to utilize modern-day platitudes to explain the whole thing within a proper and unbiased historical perspective," Reverend Smith added before finally breaking down and just letting it all gush out.

Sadly pondering that the total monstrosity with a lightning fast temper who would go completely berserk for no reason whatsoever was probably just misunderstood, unloved, and unaccepted during a time that lacked 'self-actualization' books, new age enlightenment theories, and current forms of online therapy, young and elderly people hugged each other closely and made promises that they would try their absolute best to move forward.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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