Buckingham Palace, The Camellia Garden. June, 1349. Exclusive to The Spoof. King Edward Trump III met with reporters from the English press in the Camellia Garden this morning to take biting questions about his handling of the Black Death during the past year. He tended to look at the bright side of the statistics rather than the gloomy ones. In the end, he took no questions. Here is the full text of his comments.
"This monarch has done amazing things in fighting this pandemic virus. First of all, it originated, naturally, in China and spread west across the trade routes because the Chinese didn't tell anyone that there was a plague. So I call it 'the Chinese Black Death.' China will pay for this in the long run."
"Yes, we've lost a few people to the Yersinia pestis bacteria, but on the other hand we've saved millions from this sickening plague. Our death toll, which has been only 60 percent of the population, could have been 70 or 80 percent but for the heroic actions taken by your King and his sycophants."
"There would not have been a plague had my predecessor not been a totally incompetent monarch from whom I inherited not only the kingdom but a totally inadequate supply of fanning devices. He left me nothing with which to begin battling the Chinese Black Death."
"Our economy is hurting because the naysayers in the medical profession have urged protective measures that are harmful to business. Many businesses are closed out of fear. We can't have that. I'm imprisoning the naysayers and replacing them with charlatans who think my way."
"I promised you a vaccine for 'the Chinese Black Death', but the medical ignoramuses - I also call them the DUMBagogues or the DUMBocrats - couldn't make it in time. So I'm turning the vaccine issue over to our most trusted alchemists who will have one by this fall. But vaccine or not, the plague will disappear."
"Chances are, the Chinese Black Death will simply fade away come winter. But we can't wait for that to happen. It's time to open up the country. There may be a temporary labor shortage due to a little loss of life, but that means higher wages for the working class and full employment of those who haven't died."
With that, the King posed for the artists. He was, of course, wearing that long black coat.