Rose Garden, The White House. April 6, 1861. Andrew Cooperson reporting for SOB: Spoof On Business. With the Secession Virus sweeping the Southern states, newly-elected president, Abraham Trump, held his first Rose Garden press briefing this morning, and took questions from reporters pressing him for explanations on many different subjects related to the crisis.
A reporter from FOXborough Daily was called on first, with speculation that the president was thanking the paper for its endorsement of him in the recent election.
"Just how serious is this secession talk in the South? Is it likely to spread from So. Carolina to elsewhere?"
"Thank you for that question," replied Trump. "How many cases of it do we have? One? In South Carolina. By fall, there won't be any. It will simply melt away. You might say we'll have a vaccine for secession."
Connecticut Nightly News: "But six other states are anxious to secede."
Trump: "That's the kind of question I'd expect from CNN. It doesn't deserve an answer. Next question."
CNN: "But you haven't answered my question yet."
Trump: "You didn't ask a question. You made a statement. Next?"
The New York Times: "This is a hell of a lot more complicated than the common cold. What makes you think it will just go away?"
Trump: "That's a nasty question. You're a nasty reporter. No wonder your circulation is falling. The Times won't last to the fall to report how we negotiated an end to secession."
From the Washington Post reporter: "But they've already fired on Fort Sumter. The commander surrendered."
Trump: The guy should never have been in charge at that fort. He was totally incompetent. Ought to have been removed long ago. When he gets back to Washington he ought to be court-martialed."
Boston Glove: "What do you think of Jefferson Davis, the man likely to head a Confederate government?"
Trump: "Good question from the Glove. You obviously know how to handle a tough subject. I've never met him, but we've corresponded, and from his letters I think he is a fantastic guy with a great sense of humor. He wrote that, when this is all over, they'll hang Don Trump to a sour apple tree. Now, how can you think of a guy with that kind of whimsy as an enemy of the United States?"
CNN - another reporter: "They won't let the US mail be delivered in Carolina. Isn't that an insult to American sovereignty? Are you complicit in this by not taking action?"
Trump: "Thank you, ladies and gentleman, well - some of you are. That ends this briefing."
The president then turned his back on reporters, sniffed a rose, and left the Rose Garden.