Suicidal Man Seeks Covid-19 Infection

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Wednesday, 6 May 2020

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Madison Ave., New York City. Special to The Spoof. A timid, despondent man was sent to the psychiatric ward at Bellevue today after repeated attempts to contract the Covid-19 virus by hugging intensive care virus patients at Queens Hospital here.

The unidentified advertising executive in a so-so Madison Avenue firm, who had been furloughed without pay because ad sales were down in the pandemic, posed as a paramedic from Musk, Wyoming, who had come to New York to aid overworked medical professionals treating virus victims. He appeared at the entry to Queens dressed in medical wear, amid a flurry of reporters and TV cameras. No one seemed to question his story, and he entered the hospital. A half hour later, a doctor called police when the man was seen hugging and kissing Covid-19 patients, particularly those who were coughing or sneezing.

The obviously despondent man told police he was deeply in debt, had numerous bills coming due next week, and was too timid to commit suicide by gun, rope or poison. So, he figured he would die with the virus. Unfortunately, he had tried kissing women on the street, going to crowded hot tubs that were illegally open, and riding in standing room only buses. Nothing worked. As a last resort, he tried the paramedic charade.

Early reports from Bellevue indicate the man is full of antibodies that would forever prevent him from contracting Covid-19. As a result, various pharmaceutical labs and medical research schools have offered him lucrative contracts to let them experiment on him in a effort to learn more about the effect of the antibodies on the Coronavirus. He is currently consulting with a financial adviser.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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