Protesters At Michigan Capitol Demand Haircuts

Written by mikewadestr

Monday, 4 May 2020

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How come nobody is wearing a mask?

An unruly group of about 100 protesters posturing at the capitol of Michigan are demanding that governor Whitless immediately sign an executive order to allow them all to get free haircuts. All of them have come armed with scissors and homemade signs depicting such slogans as: “Grow a pair and let us cut our hair” and “Don’t show us your butt, just let us cut”.

Protester, Seymore Radar, told the unassociated press that denying people from getting haircuts is akin to having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly.

“Whitless has just gone too far this time,” lamented Radar. “I haven’t had my hair cut for 6 weeks now. People are starting to call me Cousin It.”

Another protester, Doug Dolittle, complained that he has been forced to give himself his own haircut during the course of the lockdown.

“I do a pretty bad job, you know,” started Dolittle. “I use a bowl, and cut around it. Now I look like that kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans.”

When asked about the situation, Whitless replied: “I cannot create an executive order that requires budget changes. The state constitution clearly states that, unless the governor is a Siamese twin, which I am not, it must go through the state’s congress.”

One of her staff members pointed out that she could make two executive orders: one changing the constitution, and the other to provide funds for haircuts.

As of press time, the protesters changed their demands from getting haircuts to getting free pizza.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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