Police in this sleepy Indiana town were called to quell a violent disturbance at the local IHOP diner this morning.
“It was absolute carnage,” reported Sergeant Nick Buckley, who was first on the scene. “In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything so horrific. Pigs without blankets, sticky floors, and eggs with no sunnyside—it was everywhere!” He gulped back tears, clearly overcome with emotion.
Waitress, Sandy Cook, says it all started when the chef announced that, due to the worldwide flour shortage, he only had enough batter for three more pancakes. “Immediately,” she said, “regulars Ken ‘Crusty’ Crabbe, 61, and Edna ‘Biddy’ Harfinger, 69, both jumped up to claim the same platter. It got ugly right away."
Billie Joe Sniggly cried, “Why couldn’t they just simply split the pancakes before they had to resort to such violence?” as she wiped the syrup off her good blouse that she saved for church and trips to the IHOP. Her husband, Phil, gently reminded her, “You cannot have a stack of 1.5 pancakes. You know it’s against the natural order. It’s just not done.”
The town’s residents were shocked at this horrible turn of events. Resident, Ellie Higgins, echoed the crowd’s consensus, “Oh, I’m not surprised that a lack of pancakes started a brawl; I’m shocked that the IHOP didn’t plan for the flour shortage and start hoarding immediately. It was their own fault, and I hold them responsible—not the innocent victims who had to fight for life’s basic necessities.”
Clean-up began immediately. IHOP estimated $3,000 in damages, but waived pressing charges against Crabbe and Harfinger, admitting culpability.