Nashville Man Becomes Unstoppable After Eating Raw Beet

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 9 April 2020

image for Nashville Man Becomes Unstoppable After Eating Raw Beet
"Screw face masks!" said Ben Lansing, reveling in a beet-related immunity boost.

“I reign supreme!” crowed Ben Lansing of Nashville, Tennessee, reveling in a bout of unstoppability that overcame him after eating a raw beet. “Beet that!" he quipped.

Packed with essential nutrients and inorganic nitrates which reduce inflammation and lower blood pressure, beets have long been considered a “super food.” They’ve even been shown to improve cycling and athletic performance, and to increase oxygen use by up to 20 percent – a fact Lansing singlehandedly verified by voluntarily and impulsively sprinting up a hill at lightning speed.

“People watching told me I was just a blur,” he said. “That's anecdotal evidence, of course, but take it for what it’s worth.”

Overall, "crunchy, sweet, purple, and amazing” was Lansing’s summary of his raw-beet-eating experiment – one which he says he intends to replicate regularly, in light of the world panic over COVID-19.

"I could physically feel the boost in my immunity," he said. “Screw face masks! For me, beets are where it’s at.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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