CDC Offers Incredibly Obvious Advice on Coronavirus That Children Would Understand

Funny story written by Dave Henry

Saturday, 29 February 2020

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These are scary times, doctors say

The US CDC issued incredibly obvious advice this week on the coronavirus that even a 3-year-old child would understand.

"The best thing to do if you feel like you are getting sick, is to go to the doctor," CDC officials said, in a dire warning to the American people, that makes sense to anyone with a functioning brain.

"Also, wash your hands after you sneeze," the CDC warned the American people, giving patronizing advice to grown adults that they would give to their small preschool children when they are sick.

"In addition," pointed out CDC officials, "if you feel sick, don't go to work. Instead, stay home and go to bed."

This medical advice is entirely obvious to every single human being who ever walked the face of the earth since the beginning of time, but it's a great reminder at this time of great hysteria!

The CDC's chief physician, who is paid more than $200,000 per year, also told people to take medicine if they get sick.

"One of the symptoms of the coronavirus is a fever," said the man who went to school for many years to study medicine.

"If you have a so-called fever, you can go to the store and buy a bottle of medicine called Advil. To administer this medicine, you open the bottle of Advil with your teeth, or a hammer, or a saw, or just push down on the cap and twist it -- either of these solutions will work."

"Once you have the cap off, remove the cotton that's stuffed in the bottle. I can't stress this enough, don't eat the cotton. It's not medicine, it's cotton," he said.

The CDC chief took an entire course at Harvard on the non-medicinal properties of cotton.

"Then," he said, "put your hand out, and pour some of the pills in the bottle onto your hand. But only take 2 or 3 pills, and put the rest of the pills back in the bottle."

He warned people to be very careful about putting the unused pills back in the bottle, because if you miss the small hole at the top of the bottle, they may spill on to the floor. If they do, be sure to pick them up and put them back in the bottle -- unless they are dirty. "If they are dirty, then wash them or throw them in a garbage can, which is a receptacle used for trash," he said.

"Finally," the CDC leader said, "get a glass, and fill it with water, and then put those two or three Advil in your open hand and transfer them into your mouth. Then, drink the water while the pills are in your mouth. Hopefully, the pills will be washed down your throat. You'll know if they have been washed down your throat if they are not still sitting in your mouth after you have drunk the water. If they are still sitting in your mouth, you must repeat this process."

He then explained that the pills will start to make your fever go away. When the fever goes away, it may come back, which requires you to take more pills, using the same instructions as above.

So remember these completely obvious common-sense steps, and stay safe out there!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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