Swalwell's Denials Fail the Smell Test

Written by G. Brookings

Monday, 25 November 2019

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A Rose By Any Other Name...

California Congressman Eric Swalwell, who rose to prominence during the Mueller investigation into the alleged collusion of the 2016 Trump campaign with Russia, principally by taking up residence on CNN where he earnestly assured everyone that he had seen clear and convincing evidence of Trump’s guilt --although he could not reveal it due to its secret nature—is now back in the news after an on-air digestive disturbance. Dubbed “fartgate” by one wag, Swalwell was heard to audibly warble and whistle from his nether regions during a panel interview with Chris Matthews.

Amidst the raucous hooha that followed the now-famous anal eruption, Swalwell immediately denied that he had engaged in an act of public flatulence, and claimed that he had proof, although, due to network licensing and copyright law, he was not at liberty to share it with the public. But from now on, he promised, he would insist on being mic’d up below, to forestall any further unjust accusations. In the future he assured us, the only wind to pass from his body would proceed between his teeth and lips.

Never one to miss an opportunity to belittle an opponent when he is down on his luck, President Trump, setting aside his stable genius alter ego, allowed his inner Mr. Hyde to highlight Swalwell’s digestive indiscretion, dubbing him Mr. Smellwell in his subsequent tweets on the incident and ridiculing the “meaty-faced” young representative for his desperate attempts to distance himself from the spreading cloud of fart-memes. “Oh, he did it, everyone heard it, loud and clear,” Trump tweeted. “It was the greatest fart ever, and absolutely an unauthorized release. Not to say a leak. Well, I hope it wasn’t an actual leak.”

Mr. Swalwell, being a former prosecutor and a windy pugilist himself fired back, orally this time, with his own accusations, claiming that Wikileaks had recordings of numerous trumpetings and air blasts from the president himself, and that he would be happy to share them with the public.

Of course, nothing Swalwell does or says now on camera goes by without someone audio bombing the interview with unseemly bazooka blasts, thunder-claps, fourth-of-July rocket whistling and kazoo-like honking in the background. Even many well-respected political experts are saying that, however unlikely it may seem, Swalwell’s heretofore undistinguished and generally odorless public career could be in jeopardy, as no one seems inclined to take him seriously after this.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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