39-Year-Old Resident Fails To Improve Himself Over Weekend

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 26 October 2019

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La Crosse, Wisconsin. Sources recently confirmed that Brad Harper's desperate and frustrating attempts to improve himself as a human being failed miserably last weekend.

In a pathetic effort to become a decent and well-mannered individual with a healthy perspective on life, the lonely, self-absorbed, caffeine-fueled, 'all-or-nothing', mentally-unbalanced, psychotic perfectionist with extremely embarrassing delusions of grandeur, planned on having a three-day weekend full of exercise and nature hikes, only to collapse emotionally and resort to consuming massive truck-loads of cheap beer, whiskey, and tobacco.

The problems apparently began at 9:00 am on Friday in the Tech Body Gym when the University of Wisconsin-employed janitor walked up to a single, physically-fit, middle-aged, gorgeous blonde, before posing the question, "Would you like to go on a date with me so that I can potentially use you as a reason to stop engaging in my own toxic and self-destructive behavior?"

Shocked and appalled that the answer was "NO!", Brad then asked the same question to a married brunette standing next to her, before he was slapped in the face and told to leave the building.

Mr. Harper's next stumbling block occurred when he got on a Christian Dating Site and asked 7 different women located in Jackson County if they would be willing to establish a significant relationship with him in order to correct his waywardness.

Unable to see that the answers to that were a big "YES" because he was too cheap to use a credit card in order to access the messaging box, Brad (out of self-pity and despair) finally resorted to drinking Bud Light Orange and smoking non-filtered Camels before puking all over himself and passing out on his living room floor.

With precious time that was supposed to be used for calmness, spirituality, and meditation totally forgone, Mr. Harper deeply lamented the fact that he would simply have to go back to work on Monday.

"I don't handle rejection very well, and I must confess that it's difficult to face a midlife crisis alone while reading books about self-actualization," Brad told reporters on Saturday as 3 single women in Black River Falls and 14 others in the neighboring county of Monroe desperately tried to contact him.

"God Damnit!" he added before opening up a bottle of Black Velvet Whiskey so that he could hopelessly dwell on the fact that he would never be able to change or significantly alter his circumstances in life.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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