Nashville Woman Offends Billions by Not Knowing Who Harry Maguire Is

Written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 13 October 2019

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When shown a photo of the legendary footballer, an ignorant Nashville woman commented that Harry Maguire was "cute."

"The fictional character from J.K. Rowling's stories?" was Nashville, Tennessee, resident Bonnie Bordeaux's best guess as to who the wildly talented, charming, all-around-wonderful English footballer Harry Maguire is. "I love that series! But isn't she writing adult books now?"

When informed that she was thinking of Harry Potter, and that anyone who wasn't raised by wolves and/or doesn't live under a rock is aware of and, more likely, utterly obsessed with, Harry Maguire, the most feared defender in football, Bordeaux merely shrugged. "You mean real football, like in the NFL? Or are you talking about soccer?"

Appalled at her ignorance, and even more so by her blatantly lackadaisical attitude toward the mythical (English, not American) football figure, several in Bordeaux's immediate vicinity violently rushed her, demanding an apology - which she steadfastly refused to offer.

"I'm not sorry for not knowing who this guy is, and I never will be," she said, to gasps of horror and disbelief from the dozens of Maguire fans nearby, several of whom, in solidarity with Harry, pulled out their cell phones to document the effrontery. "But if you've got any actual news to report, I'm open to hearing about that."

"We don't want real news!" exclaimed an onlooker. "We want Harry!"

At that point, someone flashed Bordeaux a photo of Maguire, which she considered with mild interest. "Oh, that's him? He's cute."

When asked to comment on the incident, the videorecording of which has since gone viral, the criminally handsome and characteristically gracious Maguire, himself, had only kind, magnanimous, and utterly inspiring things to say. "I actually appreciate when people have no idea who I am," he said with an endearing, down-to-earth chuckle. "Keeps me humble."

"You've got nothing to be humble about, Harry," called a bystander. "Nothing whatsoever. We love you!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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