Dane County, Wisconsin. Sources confirmed that 38-year-old Roger Thomson denied several potential sources of 'True Love' as he successfully targeted the 18-pack of Leinenkugel's Beer that he desperately needed last Friday.
After opening the doors of the Quality Beverage Store on one of the main highways, the middle-aged, single, burned-out, Assistant Humanities Professor immediately analyzed the scenario, noticed the voluptuous, horny women who were gazing hungrily at his innocent (un-raided) virgin body, and then completely ignored them before finding the quickest path to the cooler.
Despite the fact that a red-haired, curvaceous (and well-figured) model was softly caressing her own massive and heavenly breasts while praying for a decent man to show up in her life, Roger pushed her out of the aisle in order to obtain his intoxicating reward for a long week of giving lectures to empty-minded, upper-middle class, money-hungry, egotistical, stupid, self-righteous, liberal college students destined to live "pampered" lives with no intrinsic value.
"Love is an intimate journey that two inseparable souls take together," Roger told reporters.
"And yes, I did listen to Barbra Streisand songs while weeping intensely the previous weekend, but I moved past that and found the courage to put more toxins in my body," he confessed.
"Can I remove that last statement because it's extremely embarrassing?" he added.
Upon telling a frizzy-haired, divorced, nymphomaniac cougar (with cleavage so massive that it would disrupt the orbital pattern of Jupiter) that he was 'not in the mood' to be taken advantage of, Roger bravely paid 20 dollars for his beer, drank all of it, drooled on himself, cried again, and fell down the stairs of his apartment before puking all over the carpet.
Witnesses who walked past his fuming, intoxicated body claimed that he made several offensive statements before passing out such as: "The 'Me Too' Movement Sucks"..."The 'Self-Entitlement' Generation Sucks"..."Money, Sports, And Politics Dominate Everything In the Corrupt World Of Education"...and... "Leaders Of Social And Political Debates Can Lick The Bottom Part Of My Testicle Sack!"