Trump Defends Fourth of July Speech

Written by Brett Taylor

Friday, 5 July 2019

image for Trump Defends Fourth of July Speech
Revolutionary War Air Battles Were Quite A Sight

This July Fourth was the occasion for President Donald Trump's much-ballyhooed Independence Day celebration in Washington, D.C. Trump's patriotic speech drew derision from certain quarters for its, er, unique approach to history.

Unfortunately, the president'[s speech was not without its errors. The president asked us to run his explanation of the speech. So here it is:

I recently delivered a great speech on the Fourth of July. A great speech and everybody loved it. It’s all about how the United States defeated England in the Revolutionary War of 1812 and so on, and no one’s heard anything about the British since then. Did you know we defeated them in soccer? It’s very true, they were girls, but they defeated them. Also Serena Williams got defeated, but she’s not my type. I would never, you know. My daughter is a girl, and she’s very, very attractive. Like, if you had to rate your daughters on a scale of one to ten, this girl would be a thirteen. Or maybe a twelve. But still very very good-looking.

Okay, so it all started at Fort McHendry. And that’s where the Earl of Cornwall defeated the forces of Mustard, which were led by General Sandwich. Okay, I’m sorry, I got that mixed up. I’m very hungry, okay, I haven’t eaten in three hours. So excuse me, okay?

People made fun of me for talking about the colonists and how they took over the airports. They say they didn’t have airports back then in 1785. But it’s true that they had them, they just weren’t very good. Like you would never want to get stuck at this airport. They had helium balloons, big helium balloons, and they fired cannonballs across the skied until they set each other on fire and they fell from the skies. It was quite a sight. And they had Chinese lanterns too, those were made by the Chinese. We know that. The airports were very big.

I can’t help it if people don’t know about history and things. But they don’t know. I know more about history than anybody.

Like, today you go to an airport and you get on a plane and you have, I don’t know, peanuts or something. But back then you had, I don’t know, a bowl of porridge. Isn’t that what they call that stuff? It’s like oatmeal, only British. Very bad stuff. And they had tea. You know, I don’t drink much tea. I don’t know why they didn’t drink Coke. It’s much better, but you’ve got to drink Diet Coke and then you’ll be healthy and lean like me. But they had some very good wigs. I especially like the one George Washington wore. If all the Founding Fathers had painted their hair gold and maybe you had some green in there, if you want to get really wild, that would be quite a sight.

But the Americans were great. You know why? They had nothing but victory. That’s all they had. I would have fit right in with them, but I would have been a better general than all of them, because I’ve got modern knowledge, which they didn’t. Don’t. They were all starving to death. Like that loser, what’s his name? John McCain. I’m better than all of them, because I never had to starve. You see, McDonald’s was closed in those days, they didn’t have regular hours like today.

People said I need to get a speechwriter, because I was reading off a teleprompter and the teleprompter wasn’t too good. But I’m very smart, and when you’re very smart you don’t need speechwriters and things. You can just do it all yourself.

Look, it was raining, okay? You try giving a speech in the rain. You lucky people, you got to golf in the rain. Some of us, we had to work. We gave a speech, and it was a very good speech. So never mind, okay? There was no collusion. Absolutely none.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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