Pence’s first draft of West Point speech “you will fight on a battlefield at some point” hacked

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Tuesday, 28 May 2019

image for Pence’s first draft of West Point speech “you will fight on a battlefield at some point” hacked
Mr. Pence's resume also claims he enjoys relaxing at home on the weekends

The hacker group Orwellophiles-'R-Us has disclosed an early draft of Vice President Pence’s Memorial Day speech to cadets at West Point.

In the final version of his speech he promised grim-faced cadets: “You will fight on a battlefield for America at some point in your life.”

Opportunities abound, and “Some of you may even be called upon to serve in this hemisphere.”

Mr. Pence's vocal tones supplied the accompanying message-- “All we really want is peace, but we're not getting cooperation”--according to Orwellophiles-'R-Us.

But in the first draft of his speech Mr. Pence had maintained he would be in the front lines in any future combat, and is fully prepared.

His daily workout includes walking up nine flights of stairs twice, plus push-ups in his office, especially after speaking with Mr. Trump.

Mr. Pence has no military background, but would like to add it to his resume for the 2024 presidential nomination contest.

His earlier speech also included:

“Yes, a leg blown off here, an arm there, possibly one-eyed for the remainder of your life—but! Fully compensated and taken care of by Veterans Administration and its medical programs!”

He had opined in his earlier draft that pursuit of peace, due to overall hostility in the globe responding to America’s attempts to take it over, unfortunately was not likely.

Besides, did the Cadets realize that war-making and war products are now America’s number one industry?

He had added: "Investment, anyone? A financial portfolio should not be neglected."

He expected a sparkling silence with this question, under a bright early summer sun, wherein he would exercise a dramatic pause, flags flapping.

This first draft was then put to Mr. Trump who read it thoughtfully while chewing on something as Mr. Pence waited in the oval office in a nearby armchair.

“Well, I don’t know—I’m sorry I’ve forgotten your first name?”

“You can call me Mike.”

“Well, Mike, I mean, I can see how you might want to impress me that I shouldn’t drop you from the VP’s spot for 2020, and put Bolton in your place.”


“But you know I’m a peace candidate, and we’re not doing wars for the time being. So it’s a little—just a tad mind you—over the top?”

“I can cool it, boss.” (Hence the follow-up draft.)

“Yeah. I think so. Pardon me, I have an incoming call from Pompeo on what’s next in ratcheting up tensions with Iran?”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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