The most recent urinalysis of 19-year-old Department of Public Works groundskeeper Ian Farrell, who, like all city employees, is required to submit to regular drug testing, revealed remarkably high levels of green tea, with levels of polyphenols and antioxidants rivaling those found in straight green tea.
The urine test results came as a relief to both Farrell and his supervisor, Tom Lennox, who explained that two failed drug tests had put Farrell at real risk of losing his job. "He's a good kid, almost like a son to me," said Lennox. "But last week I had to tell him, one more failed drug test and you're out."
With these latest glowing drug test results, however, Ian's not out.
"He obviously came up with the brilliant idea to switch from booze to tea," said Lennox, who admitted that, despite his best hopes for the young man in his first real job, he'd been skeptical that Farrell would find his way onto the straight-and-narrow. "But labs don't lie," said Lennox. "Based on these test results, he's clearly guzzling gallons of the stuff. In fact, the lab tech said his urine sample was virtually indistinguishable from pure Sencha green tea."
According to Lennox, in order to ensure the most up-to-date lab results, he had Farrell prepare his urine sample in the privacy of the restroom in a Chinatown cafe, where they'd stopped for lunch just before heading over to the authorized testing lab. "I even saw him carry a cup of green tea into the bathroom with him," said Lennox. "He's obviously developed a real taste for it."
Lennox stated that he is simply thrilled that Farrell will remain on the DPW payroll, assuming his urine continues to test clean. "He's just a dumb young punk," he said. "But I'm proud of him."
Fond as he is of Farrell, however, Lennox does not share the young man's fondness for green tea. "Honestly, it looks and smells like piss to me," he said. "To each his own."