7th Grade Essay Contest Winner Informed He Will Eventually Need To Find 'A Real Job' Despite His Natural Ability

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 12 May 2019

image for 7th Grade Essay Contest Winner Informed He Will Eventually Need To Find 'A Real Job' Despite His Natural Ability
The essay winner was forced to watch several YouTube videos of Charles Bukowski reading poetry and asked if that's a lifestyle he wants to emulate.

Dane County, Wisconsin. After writing a purely outstanding paper explaining the reasons why individuals with 'narcissistic personality disorder' often have troubled intimate relationships, 13-year-old Kyle Lane was warned by teachers, administrators, and his parents that his natural love for writing will not help him succeed as an adult.

Although his award-winning, brilliant, perfectly-written essay was published in a local newspaper, Kyle was taken aside by several of his teachers, his principal, and his guidance counselor, who all felt the need to express their concern that his unique gift and passion for producing literature could lead to severe alcoholism, the inability to pay bills, and starvation unless he would be willing to develop skills that will land him 'a real job' in the future.

As his parents, Bill and Martha, nodded in total agreement with everything the educators were saying, the 7th grader sat down completely shocked and horrified while learning that his ultimate dream of becoming a great writer would probably result in nothing but frustration, a broken heart, financial instability, drug use, burnout, depression, chain-smoking, and possibly even an early death.

Regardless of the numerous tears that were streaming down Kyle's face, Mrs. Lane 'harped on' that internet bloggers never make money while Mr. Lane asked the principal if there were any math or business classes available.

The young essay winner was then forced by his grammar teacher to watch several YouTube videos of Charles Bukowski drinking heavily while reading poetry before he was harshly asked if that's a lifestyle he wants to emulate.

After spending 25 minutes describing how engineers, software designers, and corporate officers have tremendous salaries on the car ride home, Bill and Martha Lane then told Kyle that they were getting a divorce and that he would have to 'think for himself' from now on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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