Vermont senator and putative Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was at a loss for “words” last night in this Midwestern Iowa hamlet of “Fly Over Country,” as reported by Dash Scribble, sometime stringer for the Des Moines Daily Manure Times.
It seems Bernie had run out of this prized Vermont psychedelic toadstools, owing to a staff f*ckup, and could not consume those morsels early enough to produce what usually passes for his speech. As has been previously reported in that eminent, national on-line journal --- The Spoof: “Due to a somewhat unique system disfunction, Bernie’s digestion of his prized psychedelic ‘mushhies’ produces farts that are emitted through his mouth, and are misinterpreted as Brooklynese.”
So, the crowd of Midwestern “deplorables,” who had been herded with cattle prods into the Oskaloussa Bingo Hall basement by ex-troopers from the Bubba/Hillary Clinton goon squad, stood and shifted uneasily, waiting for Bernie to break the silence by exuding a sound or gas of some sort.
In desperation, Clem Agriphobia, local organizer of the event, had brought in a bushel basket-full of soy beans, but it was to no avail. Scribble quotes Agriphobia: “We kept stuffing those beans down Bernie all afternoon, but he just squatted there on that stool, rolled his eyes, and shrugged dejectedly like Emanuel Macron! So, at last we rolled him out behind the dais in hopes of a Socialist miracle, but no gas! OMG, even though I’m a committed Progressive vegan, I’m now so screwed for not getting those groovy Vermont mushhies!”
Scribble also reported that finally the local Sheriff, Bud Shottmeister and crew, intervened, and freeing the “deplorables” from their Bingo Hall captivity, was heard to say: “We got ‘nuff methane gas ‘round here already! Don’t need no oral farts from no flaky, East Coast ex-Hippie!”