Mr. Richard Head Given "Teacher of the Year" Award at St. Peter's Local School of Moral and Spiritual Uprightness

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 19 January 2019

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Iowa. Mr. Richard Head, who has served as a Social Studies and English Teacher for the past 47-and-a-half months at St. Peter's Local School of Moral and Spiritual Uprightness, was awarded 'Teacher of the Year' last Monday.

St. Peter's, a prep school that utilizes a very thick and rigid curriculum comprised of classical learning and theology, in order to successfully prepare students to enter the big, hard world in front of them, gave Mr. Head a rather large trophy while honoring his bulging success.

Richard, who teaches a variety of interesting classes at St. Peter's, that include Post-Apocalyptic World History, Introduction to Pre-General Basic English Grammar, and The Sociology of Sodomy in Pre-Historic Societies, takes grammar very seriously.

If any student writes a sentence that contains a dangling modifier, Mr. Head corrects the student after class when the others are gone.

Because his grading system is incredibly stiff, and his instruction methods are extremely firm, many students often get frustrated and call him a dick. But Richard Head is no Dick!

No matter how busy his schedule gets, he is always willing to tutor students with their academic papers. He is also very good at showing them how to insert proper grammar and parallel structure, in order to produce successful and penetrating academic thesis statements.

Although Mr. Head is a demanding teacher, he knows how to interact with students, and relate to them on a personal level. A student once asked him the sincere question, "Will my formal education actually lead to enlightenment and happiness later on in life?" The boy was promptly disciplined and sent to the school therapist.

Mr. Head is a very fascinating individual. When he isn't teaching class, he often writes books. In fact, he recently wrote one titled, "Ambiguous Homonyms: Everything You Really Wanted To Know About Grammar, But Were Too Afraid To Ask." He is also currently working on another one titled, "Closets and Coordinating Conjunctions: You Can't Hide From Grammar Anymore."

Richard Head is not married, and he has made no attempt to actually date anyone. One unique aspect of Mr. Head's personality, is that he rarely socializes with people his own age (or even adults in general). He is simply too absorbed by his life-long quest to educate and instruct youngsters. His spare time is devoted to his numerous interesting hobbies, one of which includes taking long evening strolls down a crooked trail that leads past an abandoned tire factory and goes directly into a section of the woods that most of the town locals are afraid to enter.

As St. Peter's celebrates the achievements of Mr. Head, they also took some time to remember the unfortunate passing of a student last fall. Daniel Teabagger, an outstanding student in the Junior Class, who suffered a traumatic brain injury during a football game, was taken to the emergency room, where both doctors and nurses immediately noticed that the injury had caused him to engage in some rather strange behavior, such as drooling and gurgling incessantly, twisting his own body backward in a perfect 90-degree angle, and speaking ancient foreign languages that he couldn't possibly have known.

When Daniel went into critical condition, the school held a special evening of prayer at the Campus Chapel. Students, faculty, staff, and family members all gathered together to offer sincere prayers for Daniel's safety and well-being, hoping that the Lord would bless him and guide him through the difficult times, and eventually lead him to a life of love, fulfillment, and happiness. Daniel died the next morning.

His funeral was attended by School Headmaster, Mr. Zip Longrod.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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