Las Vegas - The biggest, most anticipated battle ever to be fought took place last night outside a Las Vegas night club.
Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears were reported to be "going at it like two cats in a garbage can full of tuna".
"We're surprised at how quickly this came about," says night club owner, Bill Cortner. "Miss Spears and Miss Aguilera showed no sign of tension at first, while they were inside. But, as soon as they got out here - WAM! The fun - I mean - the fight really started!"
Witnesses say that the two pop divas had actually been quite peaceful, drinking together and even dancing with each other. At one point, according to Cortner, they had even sung a song on stage together.
"Apparently, some guy came along and knocked over two of Britney's drinks when she wasn't looking," says Chad Gilmour, a regular customer of the night club. "The drinks were Britney's favorites. They're called 'High Towers'."
Gilmour continued to state that when Spears turned around and saw the spilled drinks, she immediately looked for someone to blame. "You could tell she was out for blood," says Gilmour, "she looked like she was ready to attack anyone that moved."
That "anyone" turned out to be Aguilera.
"Miss Aguilera was just minding her own business, flashing the guys and grinding her hips suggestively," says Cortner. "All of a sudden, Miss Spears blind-sided her with an open hand. Although it was kind of funny, it was also quite shocking." Then, he added, "And funny. I said 'funny', right?"
Cortner rushed the girls outside in order to keep innocent people from getting hurt, and, as he said, "give them more room to scratch each other's eyes out". Although Aguilara had strong kicks, according to witnesses she "punched like a girl". Spears attempted to "dance around" the feeble punches, but since she sucks at dancing, she was struck repeatedly by Aguilara.
Officer Mark Jenkins was first on the scene. "There were allot of guys standing around yelling and watching the fight," says Jenkins, "most of them were waiting for the fight to escalate into an all-out girl-girl make-out session. A big percentage of girl fights end up that way." Then, he added, lowering his eyes to the ground and scratching his neck, "At least, I wish they did."
The two divas reportedly slapped and pinched and clawed each others supple, sweat-soaked bodies, over and over, as they writhed in the dirt, trying to pin each other to the hardened ground. Eventually, after watching for ten minutes, Jenkins ended the war. "I had had enough," he lied.
Spears and Aguilera were not charged in the brawl because of being rich, white and hot. Neither could be contacted for comment.
"I hope a war like this never happens again," says Cortner. "At least, not before I can sell some tickets."
Also, America is up to something over in India or something. You may want to check it out.
