Paris, Britney, Nicole, and Others Offer New Year's Resolutions

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Friday, 29 December 2006

It is a tradition as old as time to make New Year's Resolutions that will not last much past January. As in year's past, Hollywood's personalities, along with government officials, have released their resolutions for the new year:

The Spoof has gathered together an exclusive collection of the celeb's intentions for the new year. Here's what to expect from the world of celebrity in 2007:

Britney Spears: "I really think I need to pay more attention to my wardrobe, you know, certain parts of it, you know, so I'm wearing all of it. Except when I want to get naked with some guy or make a new video or party with Paris."

Paris Hilton: "I really need to start hanging out with people of higher morale standards....because they're usually uglier so the cameras will focus more on me. No one noticed that I wasn't wearing a bra or panties either that night, but Britney sure got noticed!"

Nicole Richey: "I guess I ought to eat a little something more so the drinks don't get me drunk so fast and I get busted again."

Mel Gibson: "This New Year's Resolution, it's a Christian thing, right? It wasn't started by any Jews? I wouldn't do it if it were, because those people are trying to take over the world. Okay, in 2007, I promise to not be like Sylvester Stallone and remake a movie with one of my old characters. Besides, they won't pay me enough to do another Mad Max or Lethal Weapon."

Michael Richards: "I promise to try to be more tolerant of the thoughts and wishes of others, even if they are heckling minorities who need to be shipped back to Africa and fed watermelon and fried chicken."

Gerald Ford: "I promise not to slip and fall at my own funeral."

Rosie O'Donnell: "I don't gotta promise nuttin' to none of youse. I'm a lesbian, yea, so what? Whose makin' fun a that? Leave Clay Aiken alone! Don't youse guys call her Ellen Degenerate any more! Chink! Chong! There, I said it again; so what! In 2007, I'm gonna be watchin' out for youse guys and them slurs you make against us lesbos!"

Britney Spears (second resolution): "I've learned that 43% of the male population of the English speaking world has seen me pictures of me without my panties. I want to apologize for that and assure the other 57% that they will get the opportunity also."

Saddam Hussein: "I promise not to go soft into that gentle good night. I will rage, rage, against the dying of the light! See, I can quote poetry even if it is by satanic capitalist pigs who have no right to try me and take over my country! I resolve in 2007 to take back my throne and restore order to Iraq!"

George W. Bush: "Is it going to be a new year? What month does that start in?"

Madonna: "I want to provide as many hungry looking black children with food and love in their lives, as long as I make sure that their parents are dead first."

Tony Blair: "I resolve to hire a new pilot."

Steve Irwin: "Swimming with sharks isn't to bad, but Krikey! I gotta watch out for those stupid stingrays!"

Hillary Clinton: "I resolve, in 2007, to find a new wardrobe for Bill so he can dress appropriately for his upcoming role as first lady. I'll also teach him to walk in high heels an how a woman properly crosses her legs, so he can't pull a Britney."

Terrell Owens: "I promise no more makin' no comments about Donavon McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles, even if these #$%%@# #&&**! cut me and he does suck as a quarterback!

Allen Iverson: "I promise not to get any new tattoos until I get fat, cause then I'll have more skin and more room for my tats."

Monica Lewinsky: "I still gotta get to the laundry and get that dress cleaned."

Tom Cruise: "I will not jump on the furniture."

Michael Jackson: "I promise that I will start doing volunteer work to share myself more with the people. I think I'll start at the elementary schools and work with the boy's choirs!"

Katie Couric: "I resolve to be a serious journalist and to make people forget the word perky."

Britney Spears (third resolution): "I promise to be a better mom to my kids. How many do I have again?"

Brad Pitt: "I promise never to date another woman where I can get my name combined with hers."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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