Responding to skyrocketing rates of depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders, international beverage company Sweet T, Inc., has introduced a bottling service for emotions.
“We can handle virtually any unpleasant emotion,” boasted Sweet T CEO Darius Caine. “We’ll bottle it up in a hypoallergenic container, generally plastic. That way people don’t have to worry about it right then. They can set it aside for later, when they've got a minute - or even indefinitely."
He noted that Sweet T's research indicates that feelings tend to have an extremely long shelf life, so that expiration is not an issue. "In fact, in our experience," said Caine, "they often even intensify over time.”
And it's not just unpleasant emotions that are suitable for Sweet T's bottling service; Sweet T customers will also have the option of bottling up their pleasant emotions, like gratitude, joy, and sexual desire. “That way they can experience them at their leisure," said Caine. "Or sell them.”
He warned that people should exercise care when releasing certain bottled-up emotions, like anger, rage, and frustration. “Contents are highly pressurized," he cautioned, "and may explode."
When asked whether he was excited or enthusiastic or even wary about Sweet T’s revolutionary expansion of its bottling market from sweetened iced tea to emotions, however, Caine waffled. “Honestly, I’ve been a little haphazard in my own emotional storage,” he admitted. “I've definitely got some feelings bottled up somewhere, but for the life of me, I can’t remember where I put them. They could be in the trunk of my car - or maybe the fridge?"
He grinned and shrugged good-naturedly. “Not a big deal, though. They'll pop up somewhere, at some point."
In addition to its expanded bottling services, announced Caine, Sweet T will likewise soon offer emotional canning services. "There's an huge market for canned feelings," he asserted. "This is really the wave of the future."