Secret audio on White House bed post alarms staff and brings in Bob Woodward

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 15 November 2018

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Suspect bed now quarantined in White House basement

Breaking: Discovery of a secret audio listening post in the Trump master bedroom at The White House has brought suspicion Mr. Erdogan, President of Turkey, may be behind the scheme.

The FBI is investigating, and The Washington Post’s classic newshound, Mr. Robert Woodward, is reported interested in a possible new study—Fear: The Listening Bed Post.

Mr. Erdogan has denied that his audio surveillance tentacles reach so far away into the boudoir of a (previous but fading) ally—unless absolutely necessary.

Copies of the audio are available only to the most assiduous reporters on the current scene, as with the present writer.

Exclusive coverage--we now present contents of the audio acquired via anonymous sources in position somewhere below the level of General Kelly.

The tape:

Scene: The President and his wife in bed.

(P = President; M = Melania)

P: Now Mel, darling, no need to carry on like this.

M: I tell you this Mr. Salmon is an ugly blot on our record, and you should stop doing business with him!

P: Well, it’s not salmon like the fish, dear. It’s bin-sal-man.

M: Salmon/Salman he's a queer fish, look at those eyes as though he's always amusing himself. Who knows what he's doing inside those robes?

P: Now, now. It’s all politics, anyway, Mellie, darling, and you shouldn’t be getting yourself involved.

M: My name is Melania, thank you very much. No doubt if I went to Saudi Arabia he’d dissect me and pour me down the sink in one of his palaces!

P: We are lucky to have this extra big bed. Can I come over a little closer? I mean I am the President, and you should respect that.

M: You will stay over there in your personal 24 square feet beneath these sheets! And as to your magalomania it’s really gone too far.

P: That’s megalomania, honey, which describes most of my colleagues—take that jackass Emmanuel Macron in France. The spelling—

M: Of course you wouldn’t recognize a pun if it slapped you across the face! MAGA, you moron, not MEGA!

P: Hey, that’s a wonderful slogan, you know, got them eating of my hand with it. You should come to more of my rallies.

M: When pigs fly. And, no, do not put your hands on me! Not there nor there and certainly not on those!

P: Aw, honey . . .

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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