Historical Village Tour Guide Tired of Looking (and Feeling) Like an Asshole

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 26 October 2018

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Iowa. Welcome to Clarkview Historical Village, a carefully designed and nearly perfect replica of an 1890s town in the Midwest.

Complete with log houses, a blacksmith shop, a one-room school house, barns, a tavern, a general store, a church, and even an old newspaper office, Clarkview Historical Village remains an extremely popular tourist destination throughout the summer season.

Guests and visitors marvel at the old-fashioned buildings and the wonderful sights as professional tour guides dressed like real townspeople from the time period lead them through the village. And there is never a dull moment as the guides provide detailed and fascinating explanations of what life was actually like during the late 19th century.

Reporters were able to interview Thomas Weller, one of the tour guides, in order to gain some insight as to how these amazing professionals keep the tours so entertaining and informative.

After successfully giving a tour to over 40 people, Weller, 46, broke down and confessed that he is tired of looking and feeling like an asshole and that he would rather 'die a cold, painful, meaningless death than give another pointless fucking tour of the shitty-looking, puke-inducing, fake fucking village.'

"I can't believe I'm 46 years old and still doing this shit," Thomas said while lighting up a cigarette. "I get laid off from my factory job as a packaging supervisor every summer. And because there are no other jobs around here, I have to dress up like a jerk for 10 dollars an hour just to pay the fucking bills," he explained.

"I hate my life," he added.

Thomas proceeded to complain about the fact that he has to dress up like a person from the 1800s while giving the tours. He even offered colorful descriptions of the clothing that included words such as 'hot'...'itchy'...and 'fucking stupid.'

Mr. Weller also told reporters that he has to portray numerous different 1800s characters in order to keep the tours interesting.

"Sometimes I have to dress up like a blacksmith, a sheriff, a farmer, a railroad worker, a teacher, a reverend, a bartender, and even a soldier just to entertain these pathetic parents and their stupid, ugly, noisy, obnoxious, hyperactive, sugar-filled, goddamn children," he stated.

After spending at least 25 minutes describing a miserable divorce that he recently went through as well as ranting about the fact that his summer job offers no medical or dental benefits, Thomas then gave news reporters a brief tour of the village by pointing his finger at the tavern while claiming it was the only building that mattered.

"The tavern is the only important building. Other than that, there is an ugly school house, a pathetic church, a general store filled with boring crap they used to sell back then, a newspaper office that sucks, some barns that smell like shit, and a bridge that lonely people could hide underneath while masturbating all over each other. Yeah, it's all really fucking amazing," he concluded.

When the interview was finished, Thomas begged lead reporter, Bill Steiner, to run him over with a truck.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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