St. Matthew's Lutheran University, Wisconsin. On a college campus with a rigorous academic program dedicated to theology, an excellent football team, 'state-of-the-art' technology, updated computer labs, and a rather impressive library with the absolute best of literature in order to support young and growing adults as they mature in both secular and spiritual wisdom, College President, Dick Holder, fears that students are actually having premarital sex in their dorm rooms.
"This campus was built in order to teach classic literature as well as the theoretical underpinnings of the Old and New Testament. We also want our students to have a solid foundation in the teachings of the Lord as they prepare to enter a world full of increasing technology. The goal at St. Matthew's is to fully utilize the absolute best in order to prepare our students to lead a sound and balanced life," Mr. Holder told reporters.
"Despite the mission of our school, however, I fear that male and female hormones are raging uncontrollably in the dorm rooms like ocean storms that can't be halted and that some of our students are actually getting together in the middle of the night and engaging in the horrible act of premarital sex," he added.
When asked if students from the ages of 18-22 may possibly have burning (or perhaps even raging) sexual desires while they are forced to study difficult academic subjects that they will never use (or even remember) in adulthood, Mr. Holder replied that it may be true, but that it was still no excuse for them to release their tensions by sneaking into each other's dorm rooms before sucking, fucking, fondling, and completely blowing their loads.
"You need to have very sincere feelings for somebody before you actually blow your load," Mr. Holder stated. "Because after that, there are bills to pay, nagging to deal with, divorces to go through, and obligations that you will never escape until the day that you finally fall over dead from exhaustion."
"Love is a feeling that goes away with time. After that it just becomes stress while your wife cheats on you with the UPS man," Mr. Holder said while weeping desperately in one of the reporter's arms.
"Tell them to run away...tell them to RUN AWAY AND BE FREE," he sobbed.
Despite Mr. Holder's desperate pleas, premarital sex is likely to continue at St. Matthew's throughout the 2018-2019 school year.