Iowa. Michael Lancaster, a professional ghost hunter who has bravely chased evil spirits and other paranormal entities throughout the United States over the past 3 years, was stabbed in the penis last Wednesday by a demonically-possessed teddy bear.
Michael and his team of investigators were called to the home of Brad and Lucy Swenson when they noticed that strange things had been occurring in their newly-purchased home.
"The previous owner of the house used to practice satanic rituals that involved sodomizing helpless animals, drawing pentagrams everywhere, using a Ouija Board, turning all of the furniture upside down, speaking Latin backwards, praying to fallen angels, gargling with goat urine, drawing pictures of inverted nipples, and eating his own poop," Brad Swenson told reporters.
"And the owner before that was brutally murdered with an axe by someone who escaped from the mental institution that used to exist down the street. His body was buried underneath the floor in the basement, and it's actually still there," he added.
Finding themselves unable to turn down such a cheap price, Brad and Lucy purchased the house anyway and planned to raise a family there. When they felt slightly overwhelmed with all of the slamming cupboards, the chairs floating around in mid-air, the exploding light bulbs, the dark shadows that would race across their bedroom ceiling at night, and the disconnected landline phone that would always ring at exactly 3:00 am, they called in Michael Lancaster and his professional team of paranormal researchers.
Michael Lancaster, who has hunted ghosts in numerous locations throughout America in states such as Wisconsin, Iowa, Texas, North Carolina, Nevada, Wisconsin, and Iowa, said that he could immediately feel a 'dark presence' in the house.
"There was definitely something there," Michael told reporters from his hospital bed. "I could just feel it," he added.
And Michael Lancaster 'felt' even more after that when a demonically-possessed teddy bear with glowing red eyes suddenly got up from a shelf in the nearby living room, crawled up to him, criticized his TV Show for being fake, and then called him a 'phony, attention-seeking, career-minded, egotistical, douche-bag, cock-licking, worthless, jerk-off, spineless, hopeless, bag-of-shit' right before stabbing him in the dick with a large steak knife.
(Currently recovering in the hospital and with his ghost hunting career now successfully behind him, Michael is now considering using the best of his skills, talents, and personal qualities to either become a politician … or to help film-makers produce 'anti-tobacco' commercials.)