Breastfield, Illinois. Steven Bauers, 47, was rushed to St. Jessica's Lutheran Catholic Memorial Local Hospital last Wednesday evening after emergency responders found him shaking, bleeding, and crying on his bathroom floor. Neighbors called the police around 7:30 pm when they heard what sounded like a 'dynamite blast' coming from the second floor of his house.
"It was a terrifyingly loud noise," said Ronald Cockstain. "The ground shook, pictures fell from the wall in our house, several car alarms went off down the street, and we even lost power for about 10 minutes."
Nurses and other hospital staff could clearly tell that Mr. Bauers had been traumatized because he was trembling uncontrollably, drooling all over himself, and unable to speak.
When he finally recovered, Steven recalled consuming an entire double-layer 'Chicago-Style' pizza, a bag of Cheetos, a 'Hostess' chocolate-covered raspberry brownie, and 3 warm cans of 'Old Milwaukee' beer sometime between 6:30 and 7:00 pm. After having a non-filtered 'Pall Mall' cigarette 25 minutes later, he suddenly developed a rather bad stomachache.
Mr. Bauers painfully limped to the bathroom and unzipped his pants. Before he was able to sit down, however, his anus exploded. Half a gallon of liquid feces sprayed out of his asshole in a horribly violent fashion and splattered all over the wall behind his toilet. The force of the blast propelled him forward with such brutal speed that he was knocked unconscious for several minutes after his forehead smashed into the edge of the bathroom counter.
Steven Bauers is currently recuperating and plans to return to his job as a Health and Physical Education Teacher once he is cleared by a doctor.